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1. The Ex-Football Player
They will chew your ear off about their glory days and how they could’ve gone all the way.
2. The Coach
Says “if it were up to me” a lot.
3. The Gambler
Coin flip? First to score? How many chips can he fit in his mouth? It doesn’t really matter, because all the gambler wants is to “make things interesting.”
4. The Clueless One
“Who’s playing again?”
5. The Commercialphile
Without fail someone will say how the commercials are the best part of the Super Bowl. Pour some five-layer dip on their lap.
6. The Über-Fan
They are way too invested and if their team loses they’re best left alone, with no jokes made at their expense, unless you want to be prison-shanked.
7. The Slob
Why would they use a napkin when your throw pillows are just as absorbent?
8. The Surprisingly Bloodthirsty Dark Horse Fan
They were just sitting there quietly then — BAM! — they’re threatening to rip the referee’s head off. Who knew they even liked football?
9. The Halftime Show Enthusiast
Throughout the first half all they talk about is how exciting the halftime show will be. Throughout the second half they recap the halftime show using the phrase “OMG” a lot.
10. The Phone Freak
They couldn’t care less about the game and would rather be on their phone than at the party. The plus side is that they are the best people to ask to go get you a drink since they couldn’t give two shits about what is happening on the screen.
11. The Stealth Eater
One minute there was a bowl full of guacamole, and the next…nothing. Same with the Lil’ Smokies.
12. The Heart-to-Hearter
Uses the opportunity of a tense third down to ask you an open-ended question about a recent break-up and/or long-term life goals.
13. The Drunk Who Has Forgotten Their Inside Voice
14. The Bandwagoner
Hasn’t ever mentioned the team from their hometown to you ever before. Now that it’s in the Super Bowl, they’re huge fans and call the players by their first names.
15. The Latecomer
Meaning they show up toward the end of the third quarter and ask, “What did I miss?” What did you miss? Oh, I don’t know… EVERYTHING?